The day is here. Sunday 2 July 2017
I'm afraid for me the day didn't start well. I wasn't
feeling resilient or strong. I was preoccupied and distracted. I wasn't able to
be mindful. I didn't enjoy the pre departure anxieties in the apartment. I
struggled with my porridge (I often do). I had a coffee. I couldn't go to the
toilet. I forgot my anti inflammatories.
I looked at my phone and read a message from the organisers
with a cold weather alert. We checked the weather. 5 degrees. Ouch.
Unfortunately I didn't respond to this adequately enough. I took knee warmers
which was a kit adjustment but beyond that stayed as I had ridden in previous
days.
We pushed off to the start at 5.30am. We arrived in the pen 15-20
mins later. It wasn't too cold at first. The event became overwhelming for me.
I was in tears. I was with my friend who knew I was crying. At around 6.15am the temperature seemed to
drop. I ate 2 jam sandwiches and sipped some water. Sir Bradley wiggins gave a
short speech and the gun was fired at
6.30am. We were off.
It was cold. The air was freezing. We were soon on a climb and I felt over dressed as the sun came out and it was strenuous on cold muscles not warmed up. My breathing was not in Rhythm. I tried to calm it down. I questioned what it was causing me to not calm down. The cyclists were 6 wide across the road. I had my line in the middle. I stuck to it. I overtook some others. I was also overtaken.
Over the top of the hill and all my kit was still in tact for
the descent. Freezing. After 6 minutes we were on the second climb. I was
starting to realise that my breathing wasn't settling, that I was so cold that
my fingers had no feeling despite climbing. My body felt clammy. I unzipped my
light jacket with difficulty, sucking on my thumb first to get some feeling in
it. I was wearing mitts and glove liners. I was zig zagging a little and
not keeping a steady line. I ate some cereal bar. I took a drink with a tab.
A woman spoke to me but I couldn't muster the enthusiasm to respond much.
I knew things were not right for me. Over the top of the Pordoi I stopped. I
had urgent panic thoughts about not getting to the cut off. I had a quick
inappropriately positioned desperate toilet stop, ate half a banana, fastened
my jacket and pushed off again. The descent from the Pordoi was bitterly cold.
My teeth were chattering.
The third climb was the Sella. My plan was a stop at the top
here and an eat. I stopped on the way up and removed my coat pushing it down my
front. My rear pockets were full of food in an attempt to be self sufficient
and not lose time at feed stops. I pushed down my arm warmers and climbed. It
was difficult. Climbing is, but my breathing was still unsettled. At the top I
went over the line and stopped. I pulled my jacket on, dropped a heat pad I had
stuffed in my rear pocket but I still had one and set off only to realise that
I hadn't pulled my arm warmers up. It was cold. I should have stopped. I
didn't. I descended.
The Gardena climb was next, more gentle and with a flat
middle section. There was a coffee stop on here. I didn't fancy coffee but I
should have had one because there was nothing else hot. As it was I didn't stop
at all. I took a cup of what I found out to be coke from a volunteer by the
road side and threw it in a bin quickly as it was not what I was after. I
drafted a group in the middle section but they dropped me when it ramped up
again. It felt like I was being relentlessly overtaken. It was demoralising. My
head wasn't with me today. It never gave me a chance now I look back.
My mind turned to the decision at the bottom of the next
descent. Stop. Or continue.
I had been running through this in my head for quite some
time today. I wasn't enjoying the experience. I didn't appreciate the
local music and cow bells. I didn't have a sense of joy.
It started to rain. Icy rain which felt like ice on my
face as I descended. This wasn't helping any decision to continue. I had gone.
I had given up. I cried. I was disappointed with the circumstances I was in. My
decision making was starting to be unreliable. I wasn't confident in myself. I
was slumping on to the handlebars and felt as if I may slip off. Shortly after
the decision point to continue or stop was another climb. I couldn't face the
thought of it. What had gone so wrong for me? My expectation was the long
route. My consolation was a disappointing middle distance route if I missed the
time cut off or could not manage it. The short route finish was not in my game
plan. But suddenly it was a real option.
And then I had to make the decision. And I chose left. The
finishers channel. And then in slow motion I started a sprint for the line. I
crossed it. My timing chip was cut off. I was offered €10 or a red baseball cap
in man size. I took the money. I was given a bottle of lemonade and by 9.57am my Maratona was over.
I went
home. I had a hot shower, made a hot water bottle, got my duvet and took to the settee. Where I watched the event unfold on TV. Great entertainment but not what it was supposed to be like.
The athlete tracker told me where all the rest of the group were and I tracked their progress for the rest of the day....from the settee